Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 25 October 2011Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Contributed by Jack
A man in rural Alaska wakes
up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the
yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up Carter's North
Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives,
and gets out of his van. Tim's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a
12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
"What are you going to do?"
the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this
ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock
the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. "When the bear
falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles,
and not let go.
"The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
He then hands the shotgun to
"What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off
the roof, shoot the dog."
Funny video of the day - Crazy Fast hand Cake Lady
Funny jokes-Spanish lessons
"Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"
"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"
A man goes to see his doctor. ...A man goes to see his doctor.
The doctor asks what is wrong, and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
To this, the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."
"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
Everyday, Chuck Norris goes fo...Everyday, Chuck Norris goes for a short walk, just to keep the planet spinning.
Pilot PrideAs one of relatively few female airline pilots, I’ve often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I’m a “real” pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. “My sister would be so proud of you!” she remarked.
I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.
Replied the woman, “She’s a dentist.”
Source: Good clean fun!
A Guy was staying in a fancy h...A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
Do Not DrinkA guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”
Do carpenters puts jamb on the...Do carpenters puts jamb on their toast?
A man goes to see his doctor. ...A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
Blessing a Bodyâ€¦?A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, â€œMaybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.â€
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Three blondes were taking a wa...Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"!
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks"! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the \$12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Lost In A Balloon
Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"
Pickle SlicerBill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."
Arj Barker: No Razors in Halloween CandyTheres no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesnt make financial sense. Its not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apples like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? Theyre so expensive, they dont even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like Im trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
The Devoted WifeA devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, my dear?" she asked gently. "You're a goddamn jinx!"
Boogie NightsHow can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s? The guys schlongs have sideburns!
Gilbert Gottfried: Spoke to the AnimalsA traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.
One Wish..A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife!"
Believe in geniesA couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed.
'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,
'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'0H!, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said.
'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said,
'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'
The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
'How old is your husband?'
'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'