Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 October 2011
  • Currently 9.66/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (77)

Light Humor

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong?

The man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth?

Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.
"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.
"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".
So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.
The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.
"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.
"And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
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Funny video of the day - In Soviet Russia..

In Soviet Russia.. - Meanwhile, in Russia - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 3.7/10 (13)

One day in New York City, a ba...

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets.

He parked it and opened the door to get out.

Suddenl, a taxi went by and ripped the door off.

The driver reported this to a nearby police officer.

The officer saw the whole thing, and said, "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well."

The banker stared at where his arm used to be, and said, "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...

Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (32)

Funny Photo of the day - Nope, Still Not a Lion

Nope, Still Not a Lion - But the haircut is nice | Source : Picture is unrelated - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - site no longer exists
  • Currently 4.21/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (14)

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Source: Good clean fun!

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

One of my legs was outsourced ...

One of my legs was outsourced to Bangladesh. Just another casualty of globalize a shin.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (12, 14, 16, 34, 36, 38, 72, 74, 76, 82) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A+B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

One day in New York City, a ba...

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

Bad Bernie was in prison for s...

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

A bad sign...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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Rating: 4.6/10 (12)

Newspaper Typing Error


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.
An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.
A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".
According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.
And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Forgive Me Father

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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Mark Curry: No Halloween Costumes

We couldnt afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didnt know what we were -- I dont know what we are. I dont know. She didnt tell us. I think we UPS? I dont know.
#joke #short #halloween
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (14)

Do Not Drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

What Did the Cannibal Say…

Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. "Ah! Breakfast in bed."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 April 2010
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The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 December 2009
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Rating: 5.2/10 (54)

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 October 2009
  • Currently 5.65/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (48)

Benefits of the Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 October 2010
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Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 October 2010
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (24)

A Taliban was sitting in a cav...

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 October 2009
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (14)

As a trucker stops for a red l...

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 October 2010
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