Jokes of the day for Thursday, 27 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 27 October 2011
  • Currently 9.49/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (55)

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.12/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (42)

Gotcha

Contributed by Connie Branson

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Amazing drinking skills. 1 beer in 1 second

Amazing drinking skills. 1 beer in 1 second - Lady boy can drink like a man.... - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (9)

Hilarious jokes-Dead Raccoons

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

After a quarrel, a wife said t...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - SEEMS LEGIT

SEEMS LEGIT | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 3.36/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (11)

If you want a list of Chuck No...

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (18)

Marriage counselling

A couple were having marital problems. They decided to do the right thing and contacted a marriage counselor.

Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the wife and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big kiss.

He turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.”

The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

Source: MarriageJokes.com

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (5)

Replace asterisk symbols with ...

Replace asterisk symbols with a letters (PAU* *********) and guess the name of musician. Length of words in solution: 4,9.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

My girlfriend had feet where t...

My girlfriend had feet where there should have been nipples. Just thinking about her makes me hungry for ToesTittos.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

After a quarrel, a wife said t...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." 
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

The Top Ten Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The World Wide Web


10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (8)

blonde and the computer

Q) How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer?

A) Theres cheese by the mouse and tip-ex on the screen!

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 2.77/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (13)

Michael Ian Black: Halloween Lesson

I say to my son, What are you going to be for Halloween? He goes, Im going to be Frankenstein. And I say, OK. Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, hes got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, What are you supposed to be? He goes, Im Frankenstein! I said, No, youre not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. Its a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.
#joke #doctor #halloween
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (11)

Two couples went on a vacation...

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of your wife?"

"I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent to swapping."

Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement. Early the next morning the husbands compared notes.

"How was it?"

"Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!"

"Me, too. Now let's go see how the ladies made out."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 March 2011
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (11)

A married couple were asleep w...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 December 2009
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (61)

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 May 2009
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Nude Tiptoer...

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 November 2008
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (10)

A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 October 2009
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (50)

Family of tomatoes...

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 October 2008
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (15)

Looks good...

There is this guy named Leon.

One day Leon decided to go for walk.

He runs into his old neighbor Joe.

"Hey Leon yous looking good" Joe says.

"I feels good" said Leon

"But Leon you smells bad" said Joe

Well Leon kept on going, he then ran into his preacher.

"Hey Leon yous looking good" said The preacher.

"I feels good" said Leon.

"But Leon you smells bad" said the preacher.

"That is what Joe said earlier, I think I will go to the doctors".

Well Leon goes to the doctors.

"You looks good Leon" said the doc.

"I feels good" said Leon.

"But you smells bad Leon" said the doc.

"That's why I am here" said Leon.

Ok the doc got his book, "Looks good, feels good, smells good, nope thats not it"

"Looks good, feels bad, smells good, nope thats not it either"

"Here it is looks good, feels good, smells bad"

"Well Leon, I hate to break it to you, but you are a pussy"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 October 2010
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (10)

Budget Cuts

Reso...

Budget Cuts

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executiveÂ’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 October 2008
  • Currently 5.78/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (9)

Hair pulling....

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 October 2010
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

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