Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 28 October 2011
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (57)

If the Magi Were Women...

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?
The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.20/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (5)

Wine Taster

Contributed by C. B. Hinson

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

Al was a retired telephone man, a drunk and with a ragged dirty look when he came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink. The old 'troller' tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a North slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, South-Western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

He calmly said, "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive."

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The old 'troller' tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails Of October Week 3

Best Fails Of October Week 3 - Compilation of Octobar fails - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (8)

Finance jokes-CPA

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything

What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

A boy was having a lot of diff...

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Spidey Would Be a Great Receiver

Spidey Would Be a Great Receiver | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Chuck Norris can eat just one ...

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (12)

In court

The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A. He said, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.

An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.”

Source: MarriageJokes.com

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (12, 14, 16, 34, 36, 38, 72, 74, 76, 82) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A+B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

I thought I saw my twin in a l...

I thought I saw my twin in a looking glass but it was just a mere image.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

A boy was having a lot of diff...

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (6)

Two men, moderately proficient...

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."

The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?"

The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"
#joke #friday
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Knock Knock Collection 141


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you even going to open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange juice!
Orange juice who?
Orange juice going to talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson around again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson buggy is about your speed!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Osborn!
Osborn who?
Osborn today - it's my birthday!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

Going to the movies

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

17 and under are not admitted.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (13)

Cory Kahaney: Handling Halloween

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, Ration the candy. I say, Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine. Thats how I handle Halloween.
#joke #short #halloween
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (19)

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.12/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (42)

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 December 2009
  • Currently 5.34/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (58)

Jewish and Chinese Beginnings

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

A dentist was getting ready to...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 October 2009
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (49)

Donnell Rawlings: Black Gummi Bear

I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible -- come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, We gave you n*****s a jelly bean nobody eats. Were not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 October 2010
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (12)

Like father like son....

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 October 2010
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (11)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 October 2009
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

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