Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 November 2011
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (49)

Good jokes-Reluctant father

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.
"So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Jordan replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine. "
Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

A spouse is someone who'll sta...

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - FAIL Blog : OCTOBER 2011 Compilation

FAIL Blog : OCTOBER 2011 Compilation - Many funny fails in October so far - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

Kobe Bryant passes the ball to...

Kobe Bryant passes the ball to Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

Look at that bunch of cows! #joke #humor

City Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.
Cowboy: No, herd.
City Lady: Heard of what?
Cowboy: Herd of cows.
City Lady: Sure, I've heard of cows!
Cowboy: No, a cow herd.
City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - This Fix Was Not Hands Free

This Fix Was Not Hands Free | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Arguments about love tend to b...

Arguments about love tend to be amorphuss.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)


A spouse is someone who'l...


A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

What is the word formed by using all of the letters?

What is the word formed by using all of the letters? (A, A, A, E, I, B, C, H, L, L, P, T)
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

We went to the movie the other...

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

Blonde Horse Sense

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (16)

Tom Shillue: Pose for a Painting

When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting Im doing because thats a very good way to get her to sleep with me.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.31/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (39)

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (46)

Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 April 2011
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (26)

Passover Miracles for Moses?

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 March 2010
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2009
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (51)

A young boy had just gotten hi...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 November 2009
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (56)

Ed Helms: Watching the New York City Marathon

I went and watched the New York City Marathon. It goes right by my apartment in Brooklyn, and I went with a group of friends. And all my friends are cheering for the runners; theyre like, Whoo! Good job! Way to go! Keep it up, youre lookin good! Great job! I was like, You dont have to do that! Thats unnecessary! You know what? Ive got a bike, you can take it. Better yet, come inside -- Ive got air conditioning; my roommate made some guacamole, its awesome; we rented Meatballs.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 November 2010
  • Currently 3.09/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (33)

Cuckoo Clock

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my

wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three

times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 November 2009
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (13)

The cat that swallowed the yarn...

Did you hear about that cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 November 2008
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

A ham sandwich goes into a pub...

A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, "Barman I need a drink"; and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 November 2008
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

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