Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 November 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 09 November 2011 |
Funny jokes-Insurance and Sales representatives
The rep rubs off some of the grime and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. The Genie says, "I only grant 3 wishes, so I will grant one for each of you."
"Dips on the first one!” says the sales assistant. "I relax on a beach in maui, with an endless supply of Sailor Jerry, without a care in the world." All of the sudden there is a poof and a cloud of smoke and the assistant is gone.
The sales rep is amazed and steps up to go next. "I want to be transported to bora bora with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Instantly the sale rep is gone.
The genie then turns to the manager and says "You're next.”
The manager thinks for a moment and then says, "I want both of them back in the office by noon."
One day a little girl was sitt...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do thedishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Contrary to popular belief, th...
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.Funny video of the day - Cashier sped as light
Eminem owns two pipelines in C...
Eminem owns two pipelines in Central Asia:One day a little girl was sitt...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do thedishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
I told my girlfriend last nigh...
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."
A man is like a fine wine....
He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.
Knock Knock Collection 100
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Janet!
Janet who!
Janet'or in a drum!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Japan!
Japan who!
Japan is too hot, ouch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jaws!
Jaws who?
Jaws truly!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jean!
Jean who?
Jeanius - you just don't recognise it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jenny!
Jenny who?
Jennymen prefer blondes!
College Pride
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest."How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Jim Gaffigan: Easier for Attractive People
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyre attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice, but if a strangers ugly, youre like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo. A professor of chemistry wante...
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
Three sons left home, went out...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate
I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying. At a party, a guy approached a...
At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear."You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"
Blonde Game
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to hersays, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the
she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps
bugging her until she agrees.
He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she
can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a
question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he
asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of
Independence?"
She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a
hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives
up and gives her $50.
The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What
was the answer?"
Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a
$5.00 bill.