Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 26 November 2011
  • Currently 9.46/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (72)

Really funny jokes-Good Samaritan

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (8)

A bus station is where a bus s...

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Funny! Dog Slaps Cat with Tail

Funny! Dog Slaps Cat with Tail - Does cat like it, or is just lazy? - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

In the back of the Guinness Bo...

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (28)

After my friend and I underwen...

After my friend and I underwent painful foreskin removal - we found ourselves in strange circum stances
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (11)

Marriage Certificate

Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband : Nothing. Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.69/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (13)

Silly Collection 07


Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!

Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (12)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

New Drugs for Men

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth

a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the

performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men

before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to

stop and ask for directions when they got

lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2

percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug

were far more likely to actually finish a household repair

project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a

sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care

tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of

middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their

wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if

its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a

sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts

after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:

whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than

your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.

Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S.

presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making

men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse

with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become

uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats

and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were

seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave

men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the

personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose

turned three test

subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when

they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available

in Regular, Grand Jury

and Presidential Strength versions.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (12)

Bobby Miyamoto: On Vicodin

Im on Vicodin right now cause I got my wisdom teeth pulled -- like, eight months ago.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

#joke #doctor #christmas #december #monday
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (37)

A passerby noticed a couple of...

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (31)

A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2010
  • Currently 4.84/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (44)

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 January 2010
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (77)

Little Johnny's Chemistr...

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2009
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

This duck walks into a conveni...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 November 2009
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (55)

An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 November 2010
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (29)

Executive recruiting...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 November 2010
  • Currently 7.57/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

Thanksgiving Trio

Three Thanksgiving Jokes:


  • Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.

  • When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.

  • Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 November 2009
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (19)

I.D.

A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver,

"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 November 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.