Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 December 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 04 December 2011
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (64)

A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 7.08/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (26)

Funny jokes-Girlfriend in car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - yet another november fail compilation

yet another november fail compilation - Funny fails November 2011 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

Chuck Norris doesn't read book...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (34)

The secret ingredient in Red B...

The secret ingredient in Red Bull: Minotaurine.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (9)

Doctor Dave had sex with one o...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

Kissing a model...

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 16, 17, 20, 24, 25, 28, 34, 39, 40, 43, 55) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A+B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

blondes and computer

How do you know that a blonde was using the computer?

there is white out on the screen

How do you know that another blonde was using that computer?

there is writing over the white out

How do you know that a third blonde was using the computer?

the joystick is wet

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment

You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Nice haircut. Screw you. Whats wrong with it?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (23)

Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

Knock Knock Collection 106


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juicy!
Juicy who!
Juicy what I just saw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want some milk and cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julie!
Julie who!
Julie you door unlocked?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juliet!
Juliet who!
Juliet me in or not!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 June 2011
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (12)

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 June 2010
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (39)

A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 March 2010
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (29)

A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 October 2009
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (55)

One day an engineer dies.He wa...

One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (70)

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (38)

Arguing Effectively


How to Argue Effectively
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
-=- Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (10)

Rednecks & Tornados

What does a Redneck and a Tornado have in common? Trailer parks......sooner or later they both end up in one...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (10)

Lewis Black: Eight Days of Hanukkah

People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and thats a liar, liar, pants on fire situation. Most Jewish families dont make it past the fourth day. It doesnt happen -- Come on, arent we going to light the lights? Eh, no. Enoughs enough.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 December 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

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