Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 December 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 December 2011
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (74)

Once upon a time, there was a ...

Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told God that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold black alleys where there was no food and life was hard.

God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and would have the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.

The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice came to heaven together, and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was for the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller-skates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she liked heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept, but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.

#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Christmas jokes-Afraid of Santa Claus

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

Funny video of the day - Concrete Buffer Gone Wild

Concrete Buffer Gone Wild - Can anyone add theme music from Benny Hill show? - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the...

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (14)

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher: asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl: replied, “Then you ask him”.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - YOU

YOU | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

I went to France and took a du...

I went to France and took a dump in a street. Now I'm an accused merde horreur.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

One horse can carry more money...

One horse can carry more money on its nose than the stage coach carried in all its history.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Calculate the number 1748

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1748 using numbers [9, 2, 8, 2, 72, 505] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Mommy, look at this....

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

The products which we offer are handcrafted items made of natural materials such as finest quality wool from the Sharr Mountains, silk, cotton and lace. It is all blended with natural soap....and...creativity. Here are some beautiful and unique fashion accessories.

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?

A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?

A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 4.47/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (17)

After numerous rounds of, &quo...

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 March 2011
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (11)

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 December 2010
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (34)

God, Send Me Money!

Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 April 2010
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 November 2009
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (45)

Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2009
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (46)

A Hundred Dollar a Night

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My God," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door taking tickets "
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2009
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

Humor About The Elderly


OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 December 2010
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Your kid has been kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2009
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

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