One day an employee came in to...One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
Funny video of the day - Runaway cart mows down coach at Cowboys Stadium
Kleptomaniac amputees take a l...Kleptomaniac amputees take a lot of faux toes.
One day an employee came in to...One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
It takes your food seven secon...It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B*C
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
SiblingsA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Demetri Martin: Christmas WrappingI set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.
Dogs in Heaven
When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Thank You God,
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
Flat tyreThis couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.
"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.
He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
A young boy had just gotten hi...A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"
A professor of chemistry wante...A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Naming Your Child #jokeThere was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Letters from Little Boys to God
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.
I am American. What are you?
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page