Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 January 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 13 January 2012
  • Currently 9.63/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (68)

Clean jokes-Worry job

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

It doesn't hurt to take a hard...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

During a visit to the mental health institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny video of the day - No Pants Subway Ride 2012

No Pants Subway Ride 2012 - weird how the pantless are the majority now - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

Chuck Norris' belly button is ...

Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (22)

Art Supply

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - When You Don’t Even Dare To Get a Quote

When You Don’t Even Dare To Get a Quote | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

I invented a new hat for babie...

I invented a new hat for babies. But I'm not quite sure how to bonnetize it.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

A grizzled old man was eating ...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

What represents the followin...

What represents the following text T5SO?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Little Johnny's mother de...

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 7.25/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (4)

You might be a redneck if 57

You might be a reneck if...

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (19)

Rickey Smiley: White Church

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (16)

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 November 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (55)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 September 2009
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (24)

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 January 2011
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (17)

Mimes

Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 January 2010
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (16)

Finally, a definition of Marke...

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 January 2010
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (9)

Honey I'm home

Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 January 2010
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (9)

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