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Jokes of the day for Saturday, January the 14th 2012
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Jim Gaffigan: Lost Remote |
| You ever look for the remote control, you cant find it, so you just decide, Ah, it looks like Im not watching TV. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive. - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Your father is drunk |
| To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
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Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 3.8/10 (5 votes cast) |
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Son of a lawyer... |
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 7.7/10 (6 votes cast) |
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of \$1,000 bills which amounted to \$3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.
"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you \$25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was \$25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed \$25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.
"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only \$25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him \$100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 6.1/10 (11 votes cast) |
| Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. |
Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 7.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
| After the nuclear accident, the ground seemed to glow, almost as if it had its own floor essence. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys! - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Art Supply |
| I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?” |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with
spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was
bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup
around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said,
"What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in
your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once
and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 5.1/10 (42 votes cast) |
| Chuck Norris can juggle 12 bar stools when drunk but only 8 when sober. |
Permalink | Source : Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 5.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:
During a visit to the mental health institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Permalink | Source : MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Really funny jokes-Twenty dollars for Math test |
Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"
Dad nodded.
"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks." |
Permalink | Source : Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures - jokes of the day partner site
Rating: 2.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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