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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 January 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 January 2012
  • Currently 9.70/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (104)

Really funny jokes-Struggling actor

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”
“Well,” one of the officer's says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief,“My agent came to my house?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

Two elderly couples were enjoy...

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"


"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."


"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"


Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"


"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - January Fail Compilation 2012 || YDL

January Fail Compilation 2012 || YDL - Funny fails from January - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.28/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (36)

For whatever reason, Gollum...

For whatever reason, Gollum's career started foundering.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - DIRECTIONS INCLUDED

DIRECTIONS INCLUDED | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Q. Why did the pig cross the r...

Q. Why did the pig cross the road
A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

Making God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh?
- Tell him your plans.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.96/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (28)

FLEX NERDLE

FLEX NERDLE Guess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

An elderly couple was sitting ...

An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program.

During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:

"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:

"You know, I don't really know... I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
#joke #christmas
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (9)

Owen Smith: Born in the Bahamas

I was born in the Bahamas -- Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

It is said that looking into C...

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 December 2011
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (15)

Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2011
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (49)

There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.She crashed into the car infront of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong? She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left,right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 December 2009
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (57)

Blind date....

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 February 2009
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 7.26/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (31)

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (24)

How Mike Die

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!""No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f**king house."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 January 2010
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (11)

I feel like my body has gotten...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 5.64/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (11)

Two Nudes

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 January 2009
  • Currently 6.70/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (10)

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