Really funny jokes-The voice
gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.
Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge
oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.
When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World
Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.
He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...
"Oh sh*t..." the voice says.
A kindergarten teacher handed ...A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Bobby, how many times have you seen a red duck?"
Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
Funny video of the day - Bus driver fight
I was so confused in Africa. I...I was so confused in Africa. It's a Mozambiquous place.
The Reverend John Fuzz was pas...The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
Church EtiquetteA Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
What is the next number in this series?
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a RefereeI like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief?
A kindergarten teacher handed ...A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
A guy walks into a bar...........A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.
he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.
after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
Circle of flies....A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Bank Robber Stealing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
God and Eve in the GardenOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but
since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a
way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .
. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .
. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to