Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Really funny jokes-Who is the best?

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “D...

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the doctor.
“Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back.

Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit?

A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

Whenever I see five toes, I kn...

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

Shine On, You Crazy

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

A man walked into a supermarke...

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".

Iliza Shlesinger: Season Change

I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a penguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “...

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Making a Wedding Bearable

Little Johnny was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
That’s the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed nad said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Aging...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half . . . You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.

You BECOME 21 . . . Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED! We had to throw him out. What's wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . .

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . .

In the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

Dogs in Heaven

Dear God,
When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Thank You God,
The Dog
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

What happend here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

Stop the bus!!

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

Studying Up for the Big Test

"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.