"Simon, if I had eight apples ..."Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?
Huge hands, sir.
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Funny video of the day - underwater
"Simon, if I had eight apples ..."Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
Mike Vecchione: Crazy and CompassionateI want to do crazy, compassionate things -- like a drive-by shooting in a hybrid car. Sends a great message: Im going to try and kill all of you people, but for those of you who live, lets protect Mother Earth.
Dumb Instructions“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.
“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
Take away my first letter, a...
Converting a Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShinwaNate
Old is when...Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
As horny as hellA guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.
She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"
The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.
Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".
The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".
The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",
The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
A young lady came home from a ...A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Actual Answer from a Medical StudentWhile making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
âAs you can see,â he says, âthe patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.â
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, âWhat would you do in a case like this?â
âWell,â ponders the student, âI suppose Iâd limp, too.â
Mike Epps - Turning to GodI want to turn my life over to God but it is hard as hell. Every time something happens to us, thats what we do: Oh God, please dont do it to me, Ill tell ya, this is it, Im leaving these niggas alone, all these bitches, Ill tell ya, this is it, Im tired of this shit, I shoulda came to you. As soon as you feel good, you back out: Fuck these bitches! God be like, Hes a lying motherfucker right there. Thats a lying ass nigga. Dont you call me no more.
A man is driving up a steep, n...A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.