An elderly couple was in bed o...An elderly couple was in bed one night, and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.
She said, "I had a dream that I died, and you got remarried." She asked him, "if I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?" He said, "Sure, I dont want to spend the rest of my life lonely."
Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."
She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"
He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it."
She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."
Shows upA state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence, but just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test. Sure enough, she's over the limit, so the trooper says, “Madam, you've had a couple of stiff ones.”
Funny video of the day - Crazy WINS Compilation
Really funny jokes-Native language
"Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist.
"Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"
He points at a palm tree and says, "what is that?"
The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"
The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"
If you fire someone arbitraril...If you fire someone arbitrarily, then it's just cuz.
An elderly couple was in bed o...An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B-C
Dane Cook: By a Round of ApplauseComedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, How you feeling? We always say that, By a round of applause, how do you feel? Right? By a round of applause, how you feeling? Its the only place in the world that you judge how youre feeling by a round of applause... Theres never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- Maam! Maam! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- shes not clapping!
What Would Jesus Drive?
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
The new minister's wife had a ...The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
We want to strike Acco...We want to strike Accord with anyone who's ever crashed their Honda.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin ..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
Getting a Third OpinionA man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead.
He rushes the dog to the vet and says, "Doc, you have to help
my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to
The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is
"I want a second opinion!"
So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador
The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the
dog. There is no movement.
The vet says, "Your dog is dead."
"I want a third opinion!"
The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat
jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the
dog. Still the dog doesn't move.
The man says, "Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe
"480 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!"
"No, that's only 80 dollars. The other 400 is for the lab
work and a cat scan!"