Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 April 2012

A school teacher injured his b...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Really funny jokes-Three pregnant women chatting

How does a permanent mar...

How does a permanent marker work? I simply can't de-scribe it.

Demetri Martin: Thought You Were Someone Else

I was walking down the street, and this guy waved to me. Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry, I thought you were someone else. I said, I am.

School Zone

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norr...

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Three buddies die in a car cra...

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

It's wise to remember how easi...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filledstreets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aquicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in frommemory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directedinstead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passedaway only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercingscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this noteon the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrivaltomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Blessing a Body…?

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

The four stages of life....

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl stri...

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Being black

It is hard being black.

We get the bad end of the deal with every sport.

Hockey, you're slappin a black puck around.

Pool, you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole.

The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down ten rednecks.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

An Ideal Marriage

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

10 words that do not exist...but should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Pearly Gates

A man dies and goes to heaven.

As he's standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.

He's dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, "Who was that?"

St. Peter answered "That's just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor."