Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 May 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 09 May 2012
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (65)

They had a smoked salmon funda...

They had a smoked salmon fundaising lunch for the President at which he gave a speech. It was sold out–lox, talk and Barry O.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

Two men were out golfing. As o...

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (16)

Funny video of the day - Funny fails compilation

Funny fails compilation - Le Zap de Spi0n no115 (06/05/2012) - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (26)

Short funny jokes-Robots

In about 50 years, Robots will be doing most of the work which human do not like to do; especially illegal robots from Mexico.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - No Bottle Opener?

No Bottle Opener? | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Q: What does every woman ...

Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?

A: A dream.
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#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (10)

More One-liners…

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do “without”?

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

#joke #policeman #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Find number abc

If 3a42a + c4ac0 = 10bbba find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (79)

Chuck Norris counted to infini...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 November 2011
  • Currently 3.12/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (33)

A frog walks into a bank. He g...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 December 2009
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (73)

Odd Rabbi Out

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 July 2009
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (41)

Signs of Aging...

Signs you are getting old:

1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 May 2009
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (33)

A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2009
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (29)

Phone sex

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 May 2011
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (23)

Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 May 2010
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (12)

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