Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 May 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 31 May 2012
  • Currently 9.49/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (88)

Short funny jokes-Kids

Q. Can you define Adults?
A. They are just kids with money.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

So Bill Gates and the chairman...

So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better.

Bill Gates boasts, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven, and the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars."

At which the GM chairman replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day?"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Fail Compilation March / April / Mai 2012 || TNL/MrTN

Fail Compilation March / April / Mai 2012 || TNL/MrTN - [3 in One] 28 minutes! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (8)

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 2.97/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (34)

A new business was opening, an...

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Meanwhile in Romania... Meanwhile in Romania...

Meanwhile in Romania... Meanwhile in Romania... - One man power truck | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.63/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (8)

10 things not to say

Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents.

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by BreeBrown

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (7)

Cosmonauts re...

Cosmonauts require massage.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

How many triangles are there...

How many triangles are there in the picture?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (35)

Playing Golf with God

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 October 2011
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (30)

As President Roosevelt said: "...

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 September 2011
  • Currently 3.84/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (31)

A dentist was getting ready to...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 October 2009
  • Currently 4.81/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (53)

Harmonica...

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (11)

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (37)

Donald Glover: We Get It

Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 May 2010
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (35)

Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work

Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (34)

Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"GOD LOVES YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 May 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (27)

Irishman Drunk and F

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (13)

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