Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 June 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 June 2012 |
Mexican food: I always order i...
Mexican food: I always order it ta co.Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Funny video of the day - Tightest parallel parking record beaten at new Mini launch
Chuck Norris is the only man t...
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.Jimmy Carr: Why Men Use Viagra
The reason old men use Viagra is not because theyre impotent. Its because old women are so very ugly. A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
Contrary to popular belief the...
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.William Wilson: Hot Brick Church
We just had an old brick church. Its like a barbeque pit, just hot -- HOT. Everybody in theres fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. Im sweating. And the preacher, If you dont straighten out, youre going to hell! Im like, Well, what is this? Practice?teeth
If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.Cookies in Heaven?
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
A beautiful, sexy, good lookin...
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!" April Fool's Day Prank - Leave a gross...
Leave a gross (and fake) surprise for unsuspecting bathroom goers. Three Doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
14 Physics Jokes that Scientist will love!
Why does a burger have less calories than a steak?
Because it is in its “GROUND” state!
Have you heard of the physicist who got chilled to absolute zero.
He’s 0K now.
A photon checks into a hotel and the bell boy asks what luggage he carries. What could be Photon’s reply?
“I did not bring any luggage, I am travelling ‘LIGHT’.
How many general relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two: One will hold the light bulb, and another will “rotate the space”.
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because atoms ‘make up everything’.
Why can’t you bring ‘electricity’ to parties?
Because it does not know how to ‘conduct’ itself.
You are in a high school and you see an experiment. How will you know which class it is?
If green and wiggly things are placed inside, then it's a biology lab. If it stinks, it's obviously the ‘Chemistry lab. However, if the experiment fails, it's a “physics” lab.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks about the price.
“For you sir, No charge at all!”
What does the male magnet say to the female magnet?
I saw you from the back, and thought you were ‘repulsive’, but now that I see from the front, I find you ‘attractive’.
What did a quantum physicist say before a bar duel?
Let me at-om!
What can a duck say to a physicist?
QUARK! QUARK! QUARK!
What did the Uranium-238 nucleus say to his partner?
We gotta ‘split’!
Two cats fall off a terrace at the same time, at the same speed. Which one did fall off first?
The one with the smaller “mew”.
What can a beginner’s guide to physics include?
Relativity: When the family gets bigger
Black hole: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: a group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: the place where you park your car at a megastore!