On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him for asking for me.
Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything except temptation."
There were three Indian squaws...There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Funny video of the day - Synchronized Cute Kittens In A Bowl
I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.
She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
revengeonce there was a man and a woman who decided that it was time for them to take their relationship a step higher. It was the womans first time and she asked the man how exactly they did it. He replied that there were several ways to do it, but one of his favorites was the woman striping slowly and then the he would kiss every inch of her body including breasts, butt, inbetween the toes, fingers, eyes, and ears. Then the man would strip and she would do the same to him. The woman agreed and started to slowely take off her shirt.
"no no no, the man said, you have to do it while dancing a sexy dance around me."
The woman did. When she started to unbutton her pants, the man saw that she had unusually large breasts and as she leaned over they kind of popped out of her bra. She got her pants off and turned around in a circle. The man noticed that she was wearing a thong. He liked the way that she looked and also looked forward to kissing her breasts and where the thong was going. Before the woman unclipped her bra, she asked the man if he would be so kind as to keep the secret of what they were doing to himself and not tell anyone. The man agreed so that she would get it off and he could get started.
The next day at work, he told everyone he could find that one of the people that he worked with had had sex with him. (the lady he was talking about was of coarse the woman) When the lady found out, she decided to get back at him. She walked up to him and asked if he would come into the bosses office to get intamet with him. He was up to the challenge and she told him it was his turn to go first. He did and before she started kissing him, she told him to turn around. He did and she picked up his clothes and ran out.
Myq Kaplan: Snakes on a Plane SpoilerIf you havent seen Snakes on a Plane, I recommend it. I would just recommend, dont spoil it for yourself like I did. Before I went, I read the title.
Why Dogs Are Better Than KidsIt doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Calculate the number 9157
A young man, who was also an a...A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
There was a beautiful young bl...There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend ArgumentWhen you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? Ill let you know right now, theres only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
ToothbrushWhere was the toothbrush invented?
If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
My kids love going to the Web,...My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."