Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 June 2012
  • Currently 9.67/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (82)

Hunting Owls

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and

a large bird

cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned.

Her friend, Liz,

had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of

days. Glad you

got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of

the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the

woods because I needed something there that would get me a

man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of

owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to

have a good pair of hooters."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (15)

Hilarious jokes-Lawyer speak

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Chain reaction - FAIL

Chain reaction - FAIL - Real team player - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

A guy found a penguin and show...

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

The next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (13)

Funny Photo of the day - Parenting Fails: Luck of the Draw

Parenting Fails: Luck of the Draw | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (13)

The key to the success of all ...

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

The new CEO...

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (10)

Calculate the number 8963

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 8963 using numbers [2, 5, 9, 2, 18, 812] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

When in a bar, you can order a...

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 September 2011
  • Currently 2.26/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (23)

Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser

My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 May 2011
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (37)

We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2009
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (69)

The Buddhist Computer Addict

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (24)

Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws

Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 June 2011
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (44)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (40)

Wayne

An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the blonde girl.

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 June 2010
  • Currently 4.21/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (39)

Two men went bear hunting. Whi...

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 June 2010
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (28)

Bill Engvall: Creepy Old Man Status Achieved At 50

I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys cant go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And weve all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you dont sit there and go Aw, that is so sweet. This is what everybody in this room says: Money or drugs, thats all Im saying. Money or drugs.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 June 2010
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (27)

PREVIOUS DAY
NEXT DAY
Follow jokes of the day on social networks
NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.

Jokes Archive