Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 27 June 2012
  • Currently 9.49/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (67)

Internet purchases

Purchases from the internet can turn out to be disastrous.

Jeremy bought a penis enhancer for $ 100. He received a handheld magnifier with the instruction, "Not to be used in sunlight."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (15)

Funny video of the day - Crazy girl FAIL

Crazy girl FAIL - HOW DID SHE GET THE DRIVING LICENCE? - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

Chuck Norris has two speeds. W...

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (11)

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (11)

Funny Photo of the day - Alien Horses

Alien Horses | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 3.93/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (14)

Better write it down...

My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"

"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.

Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.

You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.

Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.

She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Hunting Owls

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and

a large bird

cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned.

Her friend, Liz,

had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of

days. Glad you

got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of

the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the

woods because I needed something there that would get me a

man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of

owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to

have a good pair of hooters."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (15)

In the dark they are found wit...

In the dark they are found without being fetched, in the light they are lost without being stolen. What are they?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Jordan Rubin: Safest Way to Travel

Whenever you tell someone youre afraid to fly, theyre like, You know, its the safest way to travel. Really? I think walking beats it. I never been walking along and just burst into flames and then fell 20,000 feet. Maybe its just the way that I walk, though. Im a real careful walker.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (13)

How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (13)

Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2009
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (48)

Sinking boat

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.

The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "fuck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 June 2010
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (47)

Cake

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

It's called wedding cake.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 June 2011
  • Currently 4.23/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (39)

Nagasaki never had a bomb drop...

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 June 2011
  • Currently 2.54/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (39)

Jim Gaffigan: Easier for Attractive People

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyre attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice, but if a strangers ugly, youre like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 June 2011
  • Currently 3.79/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (33)

Jon Reep: Southern Accents

People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 June 2010
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (30)

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