Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 July 2012
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (50)

Funny jokes-Weight issues

Serena was talking to her friend Dorothy about her weight issues.
"I make it a point to keep away from anything that makes me fat," she said "Weighing scales and mirrors, are some examples."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

No worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

Feb:12

"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."

Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"

"That was my husband," she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

#joke
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

Funny video of the day - June Fail Compilation 2012 || TSCC

June Fail Compilation 2012 || TSCC - Collection of funny fails from June of 2012 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (8)

Q: What do you call 13 bunn...

Q: What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping backwards?

A: A receding hairline!!!!!!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (11)

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hamm...

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.41/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (37)

Funny Photo of the day - Pugtastic

Pugtastic | Source : Picture is unrelated - WTF Pictures and WTF videos
  • Currently 2.22/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (9)

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?...

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (11)

A few years in the desert...

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 2.56/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (9)

What number belongs in the m...

What number belongs in the missing circle?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story

hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are

without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it

works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you

find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to

decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends

laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short

and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends

continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here

are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,

knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are

tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in

when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering

what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This

floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (27)

If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (15)

B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College

I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 March 2012
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (35)

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 November 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (55)

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 July 2010
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (31)

Nun Sees A Naked Man

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 July 2011
  • Currently 5.59/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (27)

Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level

Osamas dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Cant I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 July 2011
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (24)

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 July 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (11)

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