Jokes of the day

Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat
Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

First hand job
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"

Blarney stone...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible
10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!

9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.

3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?

1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.


- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Mess Maker
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Equal partners

Cheerleaders Vs. St. Peter
A high school cheerleading squad were in a bus that shot off a cliff killing all onboard... Don't laugh yet! 

When they got to heaven they were met by St. Peter at the gate.

He asked the first girl if she had done anything with any boys, and she said to St. Peter that she had held a boys hand, so St. Peter told her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven. 

St. Peter then asked the second girl the same question, and she said she had kissed a boy, so Peter told her to wash her lips in holy water before entering heaven. 

Then Peter noticed two farther back in line girls arguing over their position in line. 

Peter asked the girls what was going on, and the one girl said to him,

Louis C.K.: Time Anxiety
I hate when people ask me the time on the street cause something happens to me. I just panic. I cant read my watch. When Im alone, Im great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just cant make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, Its 20 of 9:40.

Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway
The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?

In the Act
A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.
The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.
The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both anyway.
The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.
Submitted by Calamjo

Do Your Boobs?
One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"
Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

 Marriage Quotes 03

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.


A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman


A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman


A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.


A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.


A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland