Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 July 2012
  • Currently 9.46/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (48)

Lawyer jokes-Location of right foot

Absolutely hilarious exchange of words in court
Lawyer: Please tell the court the location of your left foot immediately before the impact.
Defendant : Immediately before the impact, my left foot was located at the immediate end of my left leg.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Two antarcticans were walking ...

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Funny Facebook Conversations

Funny Facebook Conversations - Hilarious and funny! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

Excited Father

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (28)

Funny Photo of the day - Pleased to Meet You

Pleased to Meet You | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

Wrong Hole

An employee at a business firm gets to travel to Japan to meet executives from the company's foreign branch. He's single and is really excited to hook up with some beautiful Asians. He goes to the meeting and listens to a linguist who translates all their words for him.

After the meeting he goes out and hooks up with a lovely young lady. Things go very well and he ends up going to her place that night.

They dim the lights and do the deed. The whole time she's moaning and shouting: "Fuka ana!" She seems really into it so he goes all out giving it to her all night long.

The next day he goes to a golf game with the Japanese executives. He makes a very nice chip shot then decides he's going to try to impress the executives. He shouts: "Fuka ana!"

Golfing - Bruce County 6

The linguist then turns to him and says: "No that's the right hole."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (10)

Contrary to popular belief the...

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 June 2011
  • Currently 3.04/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (26)

Find the right combination

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 December 2009
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (65)

Knock Knock Collection 044


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave!
Dave who?
Dave for Night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (31)

Dr. Seuss

What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 3.84/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (25)

VIAGRA Press Release**

VIAGRA Press Release**

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen; Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 July 2010
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (23)

One time, Chuck Norris acciden...

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (19)

We spend the first twelve mont...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (13)

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