Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (66)

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (19)

Really funny jokes-Oroville

Father Richard was playing golf with a clergyman. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The cleryman heard him mutter, "Oroville!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"
He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"
By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".
"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

Funny video of the day - Two Wheel Car

Two Wheel Car - For professional drivers - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.26/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (19)

Did you hear about the cowboy ...

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (12)

Cheap Mistress

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!”

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

Funny Photo of the day - Those Zombies Wont Know What Hit ‘Em!

Those Zombies Wont Know What Hit ‘Em! | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Offi...

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (16)

Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....

'POTATOES POTATOES!'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (27)

Look carefully at the pictur...

Look carefully at the picture and guess the name of the second actor at the scene.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

John Mulaney: Women Friends

I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldnt work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (26)

Help wanted...

A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities, however I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (14)

Outer Space exists because it ...

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 September 2011
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (29)

There was a blonde. She had nev...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior expierience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop,the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horses mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup! She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 December 2009
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (47)

Life cycle of software

The Life Cycle of Software

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. See 3.
  6. See 4.
  7. See 5.
  8. See 6.
  9. See 7.
  10. See 8.
  11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  12. Users find 137 new bugs.
  13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
  18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  19. See step 2

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (39)

One day, a guy went into a sto...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (25)

Money in a jar

A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.

The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.

1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.

2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.

3. Screw a 70 year old lady.

He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.

He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.

He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 July 2009
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (15)

The new lawyer...

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (14)

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