Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 July 2012
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (74)

Breath Test

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over; he walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you're drunk. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I don't have my inhaler with me...if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah...well, this is more invasive, but if you won't submit to a breathalyzer, I'm going to have to take you down to the station and take blood"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I'm a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can't give blood...I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I'm going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Traffic Police of Bangkok

Man: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I can't do that, I'm drunk."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (13)

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Funny video of the day - The Most Hilarious WIPEOUTS Caught on Tape

The Most Hilarious WIPEOUTS Caught on Tape - Hilarious Fail Compilation featuring the best of general stupidity caught on tape - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

Chuck Norris doesn't step on t...

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (17)

10 Things You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (32)

Funny Photo of the day - So you want to ride a motorcycle?

So you want to ride a motorcycle? - Jump on | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.85/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (13)

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.95/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (20)

Remove 5 letters from this seq...

Remove 5 letters from this sequence (EDBQULIGLET) to reveal a familiar English word.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Mike DeStefano: Saw You on TV

Nowadays people come up to me and say, Mike, I saw you on television. And when I was on drugs people would say, Hey Mike, did you take my television?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (14)

Good jokes-Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.
Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.
So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.
"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (12)

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (25)

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (29)

A man walked into a bar, s...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 December 2009
  • Currently 5.52/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (62)

Redneck quickies 2

You might be a redneck if...

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 July 2011
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (28)

Stop Credit Card Fraud


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 July 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (25)

Buddhist Vacuum

Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Barrybear47

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 July 2010
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (24)

There was a guy in a bar one n...

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 July 2010
  • Currently 6.93/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (15)

Big ethical dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 July 2010
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (15)

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