Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 26 July 2012
  • Currently 9.60/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (60)

Clean jokes-Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.
In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"
The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (10)

Flintstones Restricted

The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones

Meet the Flinstones

But the people of Abu Dhabi Do

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (10)

Funny video of the day - Hilarious Korean Workout Ad - Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power!

Hilarious Korean Workout Ad - Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power! - Video of a bizarre Korean exercise machine - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (13)

When Albert Einstein was makin...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Chuck Norris can take an arrow...

Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.26/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (38)

Funny Photo of the day - Beware of giants

Beware of giants - in Glasgow, Scotland. | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.18/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (11)

When Albert Einstein was makin...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (14)

Putt...

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.

"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.23/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (13)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is S. Length of words in solution: 10,8.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.31/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (16)

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (25)

Anthony Jeselnik: Gift for Who?

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 September 2010
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (37)

Buddhist Vacuum

Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Barrybear47

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 July 2010
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (24)

Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2009
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (51)

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (35)

A pregnant woman gets into a c...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
"Denise," the doctor says. 
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 
The doctor replies, DeNephew. 
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 July 2010
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (27)

Alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 July 2010
  • Currently 5.52/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (27)

Scary Collection 29


A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!

A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!

A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!

A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!

A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!

A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2011
  • Currently 1.60/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (20)

If you were somehow able to la...

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (14)

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