Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 August 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 August 2012
  • Currently 9.66/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (67)

A prudish lady

Josh goes to a drugstore owned by Mary, a prudish woman. He says to Mary, "Can I have two dozen condoms, miss?"
May says arrogantly, "Don't miss me, mister."
Josh replies sarcastically, "Well then, you better make it 25."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (9)

There is a book called Disorde...

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.22/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - The Ultimate Drunk Fails Compilation

The Ultimate Drunk Fails Compilation - Best drnuk FAILS - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.57/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (7)

There is a book called Disorde...

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

Church bells....

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - I Carry Mah Beer Betwixt Mah Bewbs

I Carry Mah Beer Betwixt Mah Bewbs - You can not see is the rest of the six-pack in there | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (9)

First time

A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (11)

Sheng Wang: Sexual Restraint

My friend, hes a 30-year-old virgin, does not masturbate. Seems to feel morally superior because of his sexual restraint. But he told me that he still gets wet dreams, which makes me think that hes just a lazy dude.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.46/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (13)

Calculate the number 511

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 511 using numbers [4, 1, 3, 7, 78, 597] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Horsing Around

What does a gay horse eat?

Beautiful Blonde Horse Stud

Haaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (9)

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.96/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (27)

Most people put their pants on...

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 November 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (25)

Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 December 2009
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (57)

The Wedding

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 August 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (65)

Jon Dore: Predict the Words

I dont like cell phones. Im never sending another text message as long as I live because I dont like a phone that tries to predict the words Im trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, You should get tested.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 August 2010
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (34)

Blonde Nurse

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 August 2011
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (33)

Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment

Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 August 2011
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (30)

A pregnant woman gets into a c...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 August 2011
  • Currently 6.74/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (27)

Short Father Christmas


What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!
Christmas Elf
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 August 2011
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (11)

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