Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 07 August 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 07 August 2012
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Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

parachute

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
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Really funny jokes-Stuck under the bridge

Brian Moore was driving his truck when he approached a bridge with a sign saying 12 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.
"I'll sure give it a try," he thought only to discover that his truck got stuck underneath it.
Brian got back in his seat, poured out a cup of coffee and lit a cigarette. A cop arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Brian immediately opened.
"What do you think you are doing?" demanded the cop in a sharp tone.
"Sure I'm having a tea break," replied Brian
"And what work do you do?" inquired the cop.
"I deliver bridges," replied Brian.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
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Funny video of the day - Windsurfing instructor

Windsurfing instructor - Best job ever - link to page video is posted initially.
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Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!”

“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?”, the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

Q) What did the chef give his ...

Q) What did the chef give his wife on Valentine's Day?

A) A hug and a quiche.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
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Funny Photo of the day - Some Sexy Chicks Some Sexy Chicks

Some Sexy Chicks Some Sexy Chicks - With taste | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Tourists...

A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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Enmity Between Races

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 24, 25, 26, 66, 67) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Jon Dore: Smoking in High School

I started smoking in high school. I never thought Id get hooked. I always thought, by the time I graduate, thats it: no more smoking. But now Im 33. Theres no way Im ever going to graduate.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

Chuck Norris knows where Carme...

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 May 2011
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A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 January 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (52)

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 September 2009
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Rating: 6.7/10 (53)

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
  • Currently 3.09/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (32)

Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash

I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
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Rating: 4.7/10 (30)

Internet can get worse

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

8. Home shopping "network".

7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.

6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

3. Gameboy web browsers.

2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
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Rating: 3.5/10 (18)

BEFORE AND AFTER

A ma...

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 August 2010
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