Jokes of the day for Friday, 17 August 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 17 August 2012
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (48)

Hilarious jokes-Firing squad

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney were set to face a firing squad in Mexico. Sarah Palin was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, she yelled out, "Cyclone!"
The firing squad panicked and Sarah, taking the opportunity, managed to escape.

Newt Gingrich was next to be placed against the wall. The squad collected again and Newt wondered if he could try his luck. So, just before the firing order was given, he shouted, "Twister!"
Again the squad ran helter skelter and Newt, taking advantage of the situation, gave them the slip.
Now, it was Mitt Romney's turn and he was placed against the wall. He thought to himself, "I can play the same game - I just have to scream out something about a disaster and escape."
As the guns were raised in his direction, he confidently screamed, "Fire!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

couple train glamour
After a moment of silence, he farted.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Dancing sign

Dancing sign - Just one more reason not to drive on Deerfoot Trail - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Morty was in his usual place i...

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Get the ball

Get the ball - Nut watch your head! | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A couple had been married f...

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Find number abc

If 3a42a + c4ac0 = 10bbba find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Brand New Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 1.75/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (8)

John Oliver: British Swearing

Its ok that Im swearing. One, because, you know, Im lucky enough to live in a country where Im allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, Im British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know its true. You just cant be offended in the same way. Ill give you an example: fuck knuckle. Thats borderline poetry!
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

Chuck Norris is the only human...

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 July 2011
  • Currently 2.65/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (17)

Why did President Truman drop ...

Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb? Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 August 2011
  • Currently 3.34/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (38)

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 August 2009
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (29)

Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 August 2010
  • Currently 6.21/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (28)

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 August 2010
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (28)

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