Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 August 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 18 August 2012
  • Currently 9.60/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (67)

Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (3)

Hilarious jokes-Firing squad

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney were set to face a firing squad in Mexico. Sarah Palin was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, she yelled out, "Cyclone!"
The firing squad panicked and Sarah, taking the opportunity, managed to escape.

Newt Gingrich was next to be placed against the wall. The squad collected again and Newt wondered if he could try his luck. So, just before the firing order was given, he shouted, "Twister!"
Again the squad ran helter skelter and Newt, taking advantage of the situation, gave them the slip.
Now, it was Mitt Romney's turn and he was placed against the wall. He thought to himself, "I can play the same game - I just have to scream out something about a disaster and escape."
As the guns were raised in his direction, he confidently screamed, "Fire!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Are you video taping me?

Are you video taping me? - That was one scary ass hobbit. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Chuck Norris won't fight Justi...

Chuck Norris won't fight Justin Bieber because he doesn't hit girls.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (10)

A famous lawyer, who had been ...

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

TGIF

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he

entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and

she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He

smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,

puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her

remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was

trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a

quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally

decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,

Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered,

"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

#joke #blonde #friday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

couple train glamour
After a moment of silence, he farted.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (6)

Calculate the number 511

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 511 using numbers [4, 1, 3, 7, 78, 597] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Morty was in his usual place i...

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

Amy Schumer: Facebook Is Weird

Now every idiot from high schools like, Im back! We werent supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I dont want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobodys interested in you. I dont want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 May 2010
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 May 2010
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (38)

A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 October 2009
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (55)

The Wedding

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 August 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (65)

Blonde Coyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (28)

Chuck Norris does not go hunti...

Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (28)

Converting to the Society of Friends

Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (23)

Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape Up

Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

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