Q: What sits on the botto...Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
Todd Barry: Hearing AidSaw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset.
Funny video of the day - Toilet prank
A bowl of soup...
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Seizure in a BathtubQ: What do you do when you find a man in the bath tub having
A: Throw in your laundry.
Hilarious jokes-Unpaid billsRick, a retail merchant sent an order to a manufacturer for 10,000 t-shirts amounting to $ 70000.
The manufacturer, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the accounts manager to check it. The accounts manager sent an e-mail to Rick saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the previous one."
The next day the accounts manager received a reply from Rick. It said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Veterinary ClinicGlenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”
“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).
The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
A dentist was getting ready to...A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
Pay for the FoodThere was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”
The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory:   Dirty Room
Evangelist:   Evil's Agent
Desperation:   A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity:   Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class
Semolina:   Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one
Contradiction:   Accord not in it
Question and answer blond jokesQ: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.