Jokes of the day
Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 August 2012
The Fortune Teller
A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:
"Will I be found guilty?"
A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:
"Will I be found guilty?"
Funny video of the day Bikini Fails: The Ultimate Compilation
Bikini Fails: The Ultimate Compilation link
- Not all the latest, but great compilation - Sent by: Jokes Admin
Really funny jokes-Hospital Report
When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.).
Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.
When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.).
Joke | Source : Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis." The third man said "I died of seenus." The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
Funny photo of the day:
BATH SALTS
Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
Flustered
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
Cookies in Heaven?
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
Water into Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Matt Braunger: Demand for Strippers
Theres no demand for male strippers. No womans like, Lets go see male strippers tonight. Its like a fun thing. Theres always a demand for female strippers. Cause theres always this guy, just like, Ugh, Ive had the worst day, man. Just want a beer in my hand and some tits in my face. Blah. Im gross. No woman has ever said, Ive had the worst day. I just want a glass of wine in my hand and a set of c**k and balls banging against my face and head. Thats all I want.
Theres no demand for male strippers. No womans like, Lets go see male strippers tonight. Its like a fun thing. Theres always a demand for female strippers. Cause theres always this guy, just like, Ugh, Ive had the worst day, man. Just want a beer in my hand and some tits in my face. Blah. Im gross. No woman has ever said, Ive had the worst day. I just want a glass of wine in my hand and a set of c**k and balls banging against my face and head. Thats all I want.
Jordan Rubin: Drunk Driving Test in Kentucky
They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They dont have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie ODonnell. Theyre like, Is she attractive?
They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They dont have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie ODonnell. Theyre like, Is she attractive?
Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service
I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.
I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.
Internet highway blues
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.
Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.
Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.
The Reporter
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment one day. He submitted the following
report to his editor.
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment one day. He submitted the following
report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a
family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed
the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital
with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
Knock Knock Collection 068
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman...!