Short funny jokes-Wet weatherIf a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
Funny video of the day - Funny Le Zap de Spi0n no131 compilation
Sean Patton: Tighten Your BudgetIf my penis were, say, an annual salary: $47,000 a year with dental. Thats pretty good. $47,000 -- plenty, ladies, if you just, uh, tighten up your budget. Have a tight budget. Dont just have a loose skanky ass budget.
Grocery bagWhat is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
What a winning combination?
Pay you to be good...
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?
Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
FlusteredAs an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
A man was walking along a Cali...A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Whitney Cummings: Silent TreatmentLadies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. I dont understand, whos that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I dont understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
When I was married, my wife us...When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.