Jokes of the day
Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 September 2012
More beer
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."
Funny video of the day Suicide caterpiller
Lawyer jokes-Funny exchanges in Court
Hilariously crazy exchanges in the court of Law:
Lawyer: Are you Donald Asher's mother?
Witness: Yes, I am.
Lawyer: How long have you known him?
----
Lawyer: What happened after that?
Witness: He said to me,"I have no choice but to kill you as you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Hilariously crazy exchanges in the court of Law:
Lawyer: Are you Donald Asher's mother?
Witness: Yes, I am.
Lawyer: How long have you known him?
----
Lawyer: What happened after that?
Witness: He said to me,"I have no choice but to kill you as you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Joke | Source : Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up
and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog
noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
Flustered
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
I need water....
A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Senior Year
You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as "my
senior year."
You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as "my
senior year."
Michael Che: Camera Phones
My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old. Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade math class with a device in his pocket that can answer all of lifes questions and show him pictures of titties in high definition. You want this kid to pay attention in class? He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in his pocket.
My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old. Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade math class with a device in his pocket that can answer all of lifes questions and show him pictures of titties in high definition. You want this kid to pay attention in class? He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in his pocket.
Jeffrey Ross: Stay Free
My favorite band in high school was The Clash. Remember The Clash? They had this one song early on that my boys and I used to use as our little greeting to each other. We thought we were cool. It was called, Stay Free. Wed be like, Hey man, stay free. Then one day, out of nowhere, it became a feminine hygiene product. We couldnt use it anymore. Then we were like, Hey man -- you know.
My favorite band in high school was The Clash. Remember The Clash? They had this one song early on that my boys and I used to use as our little greeting to each other. We thought we were cool. It was called, Stay Free. Wed be like, Hey man, stay free. Then one day, out of nowhere, it became a feminine hygiene product. We couldnt use it anymore. Then we were like, Hey man -- you know.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 September 2010
Arj Barker: Friends With Kids
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
Women are like
...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.
...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot
...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.
...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 September 2010
Perverted sex
What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?
A MOTHER FUCKER!
What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?
A MOTHER FUCKER!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
Fishermen Meet
When Fishermen Meet
"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"
When Fishermen Meet
"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 September 2010