Jokes of the day

Dad's Surprise Visit
A father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to his boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
"Whattya want?" the voice asked.
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice: "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

Animal jokes-Drink in cafe
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are \\$18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

Angry Witch
Q. What do you call an angry Witch?

A. Ribbit

The confession...

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Train Accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection
Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

John Heffron: Older Women
Im not saying older women are sluttier; Im just saying, an older woman isnt gonna make you wait til three in the morning cause shes got sh*t to do the next day. Shell probably have you done by 10. Shes got a meeting to get up for. Heck, if she has kids, you might get to leave with one of those cool Lunchables boxes -- get yourself a little snack pack for all the work you put in.

Jeff Dunham: Tattoos as Cover-up
Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful womans face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wifes face.

where
Where in the hell do you get your jokes? The internet?!?

Watching the game
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

 Ponderings Collection 25

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?


People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?


Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.


Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"


I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.


Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.