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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 October 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 October 2012

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (30)

Really funny jokes-Unused textbook for sale

In my college, posters offering used textbooks for sale are pasted on the college notice board at the beginning of each trimester.

One of them read: "Introduction to Marketing, $12, never used."
The card was signed, "Seller in hurry."

The next day a note had been added: "Fair price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."

Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #105 - Funny Photo Slideshow

I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

#joke
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Instant karma

Instant karma - Make me a sandwich!! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Men are Like . . .

Men are like . . . Bananas

The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like . . . Cement

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like . . . Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night

long.

Men are like . . . High Heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

#joke
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Child safety first

Child safety first - Does baby wear a helmet? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

All too rarely, airline attend...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (7)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (40)

Chuck Norris invented the spoo...

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing somebody with a knife is too easy.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 September 2011
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Arj Barker: Friends With Kids

I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (46)

A police officer pulls over th...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 December 2009
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (65)

Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (47)

Christian Finnegan: Gym Membership

I joined a gym recently. I dont have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this times gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 5.35/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (20)

Champions are the breakfast of...

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (12)

A guy was running for an eleva...

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?

The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 October 2008
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes

Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.

Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.

Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.

Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room

Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under

Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.

Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs

Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.

Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume

Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin

Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!

Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.

Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.

Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage

Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer

Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula

Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary

Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop

Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead

Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!

Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.

Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones

Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus

Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him

#joke #policeman #halloween #newyear #beer
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

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