Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 13 November 2012
  • Currently 9.47/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (36)

Wake up!

Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - In Soviet Russia, cat attacks dog

In Soviet Russia, cat attacks dog - Even more, WINS! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (11)

Really funny jokes-The winning machine

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (2)

A woman worries about the futu...

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - That is what books can be used for

That is what books can be used for - Because everyone uses eBooks nowadays | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

When Chuck Norris wants an egg...

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.89/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (9)

A woman worries about the futu...

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Calculate the number 4059

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 4059 using numbers [7, 9, 5, 2, 32, 250] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Creative Medical Diagnosis

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting

insects?

Suzie: Don't bite any!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Cow at Cranberry Cove

What do you call a cow murder mystery?

A moo-done-it.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 September 2012
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (35)

While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 October 2009
  • Currently 6.02/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (65)

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 November 2009
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (49)

Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (30)

Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (24)

Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles ...

Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a staring contest. At the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 November 2011
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (18)

A cannibal invited a cannibal ...

A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".

The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 November 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (13)

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