Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 February 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 17 February 2013 |
Wrong bus
A drunk man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says: "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts: "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Good jokes-Growing up
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was at a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it :-
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at 10.00 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am!
And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home ... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers My brother delivered newspapers, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5 am every morning to do this.
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.
There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or lewd scenes or violence or almost anything offensive.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
And God created woman...
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?"
....The rest is history
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 2 February 2013
Business One-liners 87
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
No man's credit is as good as his money.
Car broken down
Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!
A college's student body is co...
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance."
“I think Santa has ri...
“I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.”
Some kids play Kick the can. C...
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.Whenever John wanted to have s...
Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
Dave: I got this great new hea...
Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
Wealthy Investors
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Try Nursing!
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed, I tried being a writer and failed, then I tried being a sales clerk, and I failed at that too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, I'll give it a try!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
An 18th-century vagabond in En...
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"