Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 February 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 February 2013 |
Greeting the Queen
Q: What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?
A: You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.
Really funny stuff-Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you wont cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray
Whats that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!
Funny video of the day - I Think You Forgot Something…
A sign posted in a Dentist's o...
A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."
Avoiding the crowds...
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
Scary Collection 31
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite animal?
A giraffe!
A cannibal joke
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?
Meals on wheels!
A vampire joke
Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They need someone to play the bit parts!
A cannibal joke
What do cannibal say when they say grace?
''We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead!
''
A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires reunion?
All the blood relations went!
A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
''Oh no,not snake and pygmy pie again!
''
A vampire joke
What did the vampire say to the doctor who cured his memory loss?
Fangs for the memories!
Sex Related Medical Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
Lost Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.
A sign posted in a Dentist's o...
A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."
Contrary to popular belief the...
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.Knock, Knock at the Convent
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A Greek and Italian were sitti...
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire".
...and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
The Hole
The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
Jim Gaffigan: Gym Teacher Aspirations
You think when gym teachers are younger, theyre thinking, You know I want to teach, but I dont want to read? You might be a redneck if 76
You might be a reneck if...Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. More than half the droids you own don't function. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.