Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 February 2013

Die with boots on

Two dumb fishermen...

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Washington Crazy Law

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

All lollipops are banned.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV's may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

#joke

scarf

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight

Graveyard Salon

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: "Curl Up and Dye."

“I missed my miniatur...

“I missed my miniature Indian musical instrument practice last night. I couldn't find a baby sitar.”

Cotton Candy

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pil...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Buddhists and the Blues

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Chiyo

Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?

Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?

Parents

What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?

Parents.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

The Reason For Running

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

A very successful businessman...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”