Jokes of the day for Thursday, 28 March 2013

“I was looking for wa...

“I was looking for watch batteries but I wound up at a clock shop.”

Unusual Request

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk:

"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied: "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" the man asked: "You did it last time!"

Really funny jokes-Transformation

Calling It a Day

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."

Family letters...

Dear dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************

Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

The Bible Leaf

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit.."...

Euro-Englinsh

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

Fly vs. Mosquito

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Chuck Norris can skip water on...

Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.

Two guys were fishing down by ...

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

Al Jackson: Bacardi 151

I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

A fellow tries to cross the Me...

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, 'What's in the bags?'

The fellow says, 'Sand!'

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

'What have you there?'

'Sand'

'We want to examine.'

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, 'Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything - what were you smuggling?'

The fellow says, 'Bicycles.'

Humor about Irish Marriages

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

A Blonde Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend"
The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money"
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"