Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 April 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 20 April 2013
  • Currently 9.73/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (73)

Hilarious jokes-In jail

Two old men, John and David, met at a park.

John said, "Hey, where have you been all these years?"

David replied, "I was in jail."

"What? What did you do?" asked John.

David said, "Well, I was standing at the marketplace when this pretty young thing appeared with a policeman, pointed to me and said, 'That's the guy, Officer. He's the one who raped me'."

"What? And you let her accuse you like that?" exclaimed John.

"Well, you know I felt so flattered, I had to admit to it," replied David.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)


A young man tutored his ...


A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
"Then that is long division!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - baby&me / the new evian film

baby&me / the new evian film - Dancing with my baby-me. evian Live young. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

Answering Machine Message 119


Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

Things were tougher

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (10)

Funny Photo of the day - The world's most useless bench

The world's most useless bench - Was the wall or bench here first? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (13)

Madonna and a Convertible

What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?

A top that comes down easily!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (19)

“When the window fell...

“When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (16, 17, 22, 24, 25, 30, 54, 55, 60, 69, 79, 88) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

Chuck Norris hears sign langua...

Chuck Norris hears sign language.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 May 2011
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (32)

Two cannibals

There are two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, 'Does this taste funny to you?!'

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 May 2010
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

Producing A New Gum


Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 April 2009
  • Currently 2.59/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (34)

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 6.52/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (25)

There is no theory of evolutio...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 5.05/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (21)

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 April 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (21)

Nick Swardson: Quitting Marijuana

The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. Id be like, Where are my keys? Oh, theyre in my pocket. How did I know that? Oh my gosh!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 April 2012
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

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