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Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 May 2013
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (70)

“What did one plant s...

“What did one plant say to another? What's stomata?”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (10)

Hilarious jokes-Last statement

A man who was gloomy and desperate at England's current football situation decides commit suicide. He plans to hang himself in his living room. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement. A neighbor, catching sight of the impending incident, calls the police.
On arrival, the police quickly remove the Jersey and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Shaolin Warriors in Slow-Motion

Shaolin Warriors in Slow-Motion - Amazing - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (3)

Drunks
Two drunks are ...

Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Little Johnny In Class

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.' 'Very good, William,' cooed the teacher. 'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.' The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?' 'It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'
#joke
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Little buddah

Little buddah - Or just his clone? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Desperate men

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by yisman

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Lesbian Diet

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?

A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.12/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (51)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...

glasauge - glass eye

... "You just happened to catch my eye

#joke
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Possible IBM Acronyms


IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (16)

Chuck Norris won't fight Justi...

Chuck Norris won't fight Justin Bieber because he doesn't hit girls.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 August 2012
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (10)

Too Many

So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.

Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.

Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".

Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".

Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 May 2012
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (68)

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 May 2009
  • Currently 5.98/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (58)

Contrary to popular belief, Am...

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 May 2011
  • Currently 2.46/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (50)

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 May 2011
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (42)

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