Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 May 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 18 May 2013 |
When Chuck Norris takes his sh...
When Chuck Norris takes his shirt off the sun gets a tan.Fan story
"Hey there" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Chennai Super Kings fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Chennai Super Kings fans."
"But, I've been a good man", replies the Chennai Super Kings supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter, "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the CSK fan in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty bucks back, now f*ck off"
Tacks
A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms.The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5 with the tax."
"Tacks!?" the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
“I went to Cairo, but...
“I went to Cairo, but I don't remember if I saw the river or not. I wonder if I am senile.”
Lines
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Her husband had been slipping ...
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!Clinton Poll
Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!
5% — No
3% — Yes
92% — Never Again
Public School Dangers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 29, 1992
An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.
In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.
A lawyer was cross-examining t...
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Chuck Norris can drink an enti...
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.Owen Benjamin: Public Restrooms for Guys
Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we dont get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right? Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand. What's white and if it fell ou...
What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A fridge.
What Is This?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?