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Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 May 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 27 May 2013

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Dean was out with his car in search of a petrol pump. He saw a pump on the corner of a highway. There was a big board inviting customers: “Come one, come all, special scheme for a tank full of petrol.”

So Dean drove in and asked the attendant about the scheme and was directed to the manager. The manager said: “See mate, it is like this. You get your tank filled up full and bring the slip to me here in this cabin. I will guess one number between One and seven in my mind. All you have to do is to guess the correct number that is in my mind and if it matches, you go in the back cabin over there and you get free s*x.”

Dean got excited, ran back to his car, got his tank full and returned back to the manager with his slip. "All right” the manager said “I have decided a number between one and seven in my mind, make your guess.”

Dean said: “Seven.”

The manager said: “Oh sir, you were so close. The number was six. Dean was disappointed but not dejected. He gave another shot after a few days with the same result: “My god, your guess was close enough but not right. I am sorry sir, but no free s*x for you.”

Next day, Dean narrated the story to his friend, Martin over a drink and said: “Marty, the manager is a cheat. If he guessed seven and I say seven, what stops him from saying it was six? He can change the number in his mind anytime he wants to. It's a scam, I tell you, that's what it is.”

Martin: “Hey wait Dean, that manager is no cheat and there is no scam, I assure you.'

Dean: “How can you be so sure?”

Martin: “My wife went there twice last week and won both times.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

“I tinted my hair tod...

“I tinted my hair today. It was the highlight of my day.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #132 - Funny Photo Slideshow


A spouse is someone who'...


A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Animals Are Awesome 2013

Animals Are Awesome 2013 - Awesome animals compilations, funny and interesting - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Why Should I not get

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

#joke #doctor #lawyer
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Can someone hand me the 1/2 wrench?

Can someone hand me the 1/2 wrench? - I need it to fix this | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.67/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (6)

Biggest jerks

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (9)

Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (52)

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

Bill Gates Meets His Programmer

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stands over him and says, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"
"That was the demo," replied God.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 February 2012
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (16)

Chuck Norris is what Willis wa...

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 June 2011
  • Currently 3.07/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (55)

Pulling the fur over his eyes...

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 June 2010
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Louisiana Crazy Law


  • It is illegal to gargle in public places.
  • It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
  • Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

    New Orleans


  • It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
  • You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

    #joke
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

    Amy Schumer: Worst Part About Drinking

    You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When Im drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
    • Currently 3.35/10

    Rating: 3.3/10 (55)

    The phrase "dead ringer" refer...

    The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
    #joke #short #chucknorris
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
    • Currently 3.49/10

    Rating: 3.5/10 (53)

    Hillary goes to heaven

    Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

    So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

    When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

    St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

    Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

    St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

    Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

    St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 May 2012
    • Currently 5.55/10

    Rating: 5.5/10 (44)

    Tennis lesson

    A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

    After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
    • Currently 5.86/10

    Rating: 5.9/10 (42)

    Jordan Rubin: German Porno

    I got a German porno movie the other day. It has subtitles, which is great cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 May 2012
    • Currently 5.63/10

    Rating: 5.6/10 (38)

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