Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 19 June 2013
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (68)

Geographical explanation

Many people do not understand how we ran out of oil here in the United States.

The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were falling short.

And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

“I really wanted a ca...

“I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Japanese Toilet Candy Moko Moko Mokoletto

Japanese Toilet Candy Moko Moko Mokoletto - This candy called Moko Moko Mokoletto is some sort of candy that you eat out of a toy toilet - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job," says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner" "That's okay," replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you've got the job. Be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I'm "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you're hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You're "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain's about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Closed red curtain at the Coolidge Corner Theatre - landscape

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (8)

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Dyslexic

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.38/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (16)

Funny Photo of the day - She wore the wrong swim suit

She wore the wrong swim suit - Probably didn't expect to be filmed | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

The golfer and the funeral...

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Doing This Great Deed


A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Can you name the athletes by the picture?

Can you name the athletes by the picture?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Too Far In

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (12)

puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (29)

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 June 2012
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace ...

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2011
  • Currently 2.27/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (11)

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (24)

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 June 2010
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (22)

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (20)

Natasha Leggero: Sex With a Prostitute

Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 June 2012
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (16)

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